Completely incomplete

Moved

2010-07-09T22:45:00.000+08:00

I miss those blue eyes

2010-07-09T15:21:00.003+08:00

Falling a thousand feet per second

Hey guys. Here to do a short update. I'm not sure when I'll be back to post a proper one again, Haha. But I tweet extremely regularly! :) So follow me @Invisiblepains for updates instead. Alright, So.. I quitted school already. Yeah. Made the decision to, Myself. Now am on tranquilizers, sleeping pills and same dose of prozac/anti depressants. That's it.

Anyway, So past few days met Xantha, Then yesterday met Clement & WeiZhi(?) and reuben. Not much to elaborate on.. Yeah.

And, I can't deny this. I'm so in love, Maybe *like*, With a girl now. Haha, Sounds mad crazy? Yeah. And I don't frickin' care what people say. So *you* better be smiling if you see this okay? :)))) She makes me feel *happy* and I feel really safe with her. That's it guys. No need any bad comments on this please! Bye.

I'm only fooling myself

Fuck

2010-07-07T21:48:00.001+08:00

Quit school

No? Yes?

Got to decide by 2night..

Please don't go

2010-07-07T20:08:00.003+08:00

I'm never safe, Not even in my own skin

Oh god, I'm finally here to blog. My blog views has been dying down like crazy hasn't it? Awh, Haha. And, I didn't forget those sweeties that came to tag to give me their undying support for my battle with depression. It GMH, xx

As usual, Days has been hectic- No, This past few weeks has been crazy. I mean literally, Walking on the streets crying my eyes balls out, Drinking under the void decks and walking aimlessly around like some dead zombie, Being a smoke machine, Popping 6 sleeping pills to sleep through days, Oh god. You don't wanna hear wtf happened. *Thank god*, I have Bella, Ilina, EeHwee, Delia, Chai, Felyn, Kaylah, Fabian, HuiYing, Xantha and Krichelle with me. Each and every single one of them give me hope :')

Haven't done a proper update in like *forever* haven't I? Haha, Alright. Here goes. Today, Went to CGC for my appointment with my psychologist. Same old thing, Same old sting. No need for any elaboration huh? It's all been said before.

Ran out of sleeping pills way earlier than they were supposed to. Tomorrow have to head down to CGC again to meet my psychiatrist, Like *oh god* KILL ME. I'm so tired of all this shit. Gotta get dr ong to get me higher dosages of sleeping pills or more of them. Lack of sleep is killing me, It's becoming a vicious cycle of night become day, Day become night. Mm, Pretty literally.

I'm hearing things more and more often, Especially when I'm crying or hurting myself. I hear this constant laughter, Not any normal laughter. It's as if the person is mocking me. I don't know why, It just always happens. And.. Seeing things that aren't there. Oh god.. I swear this is killing me. If it doesn't, I will.

So many people are looking at me to be strong and fight, But I'm just barely surviving. I'm so tired of having to fight every frickin' wave of emotion that comes and crash on me, I feel like I'm only living on for the people that love me. Is that good or bad? I get very terrified thinking about who or what I am going to lose next..

Alright, I'm gna end off here. On the phone with lee now. Bye all, Never forget to hope for the hopeless. I love you guys. Never forgetting my sisters, They're the reason I've gotten this far. Erjie, Sanjie, Meimei loves you.. :') Gn9 brokenhearts, Ending with all my love.

Emotional torment doesn't leave scars, So I made some

11:11

2010-07-06T11:11:00.000+08:00

11:11

I miss everything about you

Stuck

2010-07-04T15:13:00.002+08:00

If only tears could take away the pain. Really, This is all getting too much for my head heart soul and mind to take, I'm fucking here again. Here. Right here right now, I swear I will never hold any hope for MYSELF ever again. I hope for the hopeless all the time, Everyday I remind myself to but who will hope for me then? I'm not hopeless, I'm waaaay past hopeless! Haha, It's crazy. I'm crying and I'm bloody laughing at myself, And there goes my head again. Laughing away at me, Yes I'm going crazy literally but you know what? I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ANYMORE. I hate giving myself false hope all the time and I'm so sick of having to deal with the bloody disappointment when I actually only do have MYSELF to blame. I'm so fucking tired, But I'm so stuck. I wish I could just say I quit and let everything go. But you know what? I really can't. What the fuck, I totally know what people are gna say about this, Like you're only 14 you haven't seen enough of the world you think this is pain? go to cambodia and see the people suffering and dying of hunger. SHUT THE FUCK UP MAN SERIOUSLY. Pain is pain I didn't fucking say I was the only one suffering or w/e bloody fuck. I DON'T WANT ANY FUCKING BLOODY COMMENTS ON MY POST OR ANYTHING LA OK. Don't know wtf is up with this world srsly. I can't even remember who I was 6 months ago. Yes go ahead and frickin' laugh, But I can't remember. I am the worst thing that has ever happened to me. FUCKING LITERALLY.

Oh gr8 you know, I rlly needed this mom. You just come in with a bad mood and start shouting and screaming, thx alot. I'm going out alone and I don't know if I fucking want to come back 2night. I'm gna walk the streets crying all the tears I have left out and smoking my bloody cigarettes. That's that. bye.

I never told you

2010-07-01T15:32:00.004+08:00

Hope for the hopeless

Past few days, Weeks, Months actually have been a wreck for me. I have no idea where I'm heading, Where I am, What I want or who I am anymore. Stop the world, I wanna get off. I'm just really tired, Of being so tired but not being able to sleep, I'm so tired of feeling so fucking sad all the time, I'm tired of being so hopeless and useless. I'm tired of feeling, Yet I'm also tired of feeling numb. I'm so tired of living. That sums it up, I'm so, so tired of living and fighting. I'm standing so close to the edge and there's going to have to be something that will push me off. Sooner or later, We all give up, Don't we? I'm so sick of hating myself but I've done it for so long it's as easy as breathing to me now.

I use Twitter much more often than I blog now, Because it's really easier and much more convenient with the SMS applications and all.. So follow me thr for regular updates instead. There is only one thing I can do everyday, And willingly do everyday. I pray, hope and love the hopeless. Choke on my voice, Say gn9 to all the broken hearts out there and say that it's gna be ok. If only I could take my own advice.

So now, This is to all those out there who are going thru loads of motha fuckin' shit in life, Whether it is about school, R/s, Friendship, Life, Love, Family or anything. Don't give up bcuz it's alright.. :) There are no unwounded soldiers, Hold on tight, We'll all hope for a better tomorrow and we'll all be alright. Hold on tight, It's only life.. :') Irina loves all of you out there.

These days, Even breathing is a bother. I have a huge decision to make before next week or so.. It's about quitting school. Should I? Really..? I'm unsure, My plan was to quit for a year or so and then return. But the problem now is that I might not have to strength to return to school as a sec 2 student all over again after the years, And private schooling is waaaay too expensive to afford.. Mummy might even be loosing her job in september. So maybe, I should try out half day schooling before deciding, Right...? Sigh, Right now, Life has been tough on me, But not only me, Everyone. My sisters, My best friends, And many out there. I guess we're all a little lost inside..

Alright, I'm gna end off here now. Even blogging is tiring me out! Haha, I can totally say that depression kills. Depression is so much more than an emotion, And I totally give up on all hope that anybody will understand what I feel. It's cliche, Everybody hurts sometimes. I'm not gna compare.. But the pain just got too much to handle. The pain cuts deep, So my blade cuts deeper. Ok, Gna end off here. Follow me on twitter okiz!!!!!!! Much love to all, Lets all hope for the hopeless :') Gna go for a light and crash. All over again. Bye.

Only when I'm alone can I really fall apart

Worthless mistake

2010-06-29T05:19:00.005+08:00

It's been a tough day, It's been a rough life

How did today go? OH ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL LA, HAAHAHA _|_. I'm even getting frickin' sick of fucking saying this, But bear with me.

Same old thing, Same old sting

And even though I'm in the most fucked up state ever, I want to tell KCKS that I love you no matter what and don't give up because it's alright. I don't mind going down to Hougang every single day if that's gna make you feel better. I love you, And I promise you you're gna make it. xo

gn9 broken hearts...

I never told you

2010-06-28T12:02:00.001+08:00

Silent but deadly

Need you now

2010-06-28T11:27:00.004+08:00

Alone and lonely are two different things

I just came to say I'm fucking exhausted. I'm fucking exhausted of hurting and feel so awfully worthless, hopeless and useless just like how daddy says so! :)))))) Gr8, I feel just GREAT. I've fucking NEVER BEEN BETTER and the thought that I have to see my psychologist in a few hours time MAKES ME FRICKIN HAPPY yah!!!!!!!?!??! oh man. fml :) :) :)

Don't know what to do anymore la, i'm all i'll ever be. i'm sorry i'm never good enough. you wonder why i don't try in this world. maybe it's because i know i will always be a failure in your eyes. b4 i end off, i want to thank lee for cabbing down @ 8 when I couldn't sleep, Standing in the rain waiting for a cab and chattering when I found you yesterday. :)))))) Super sweet of you.

ok, end here now. bye. i rlly cannot do all this fuckshit anymore. don't say you understand when you don't know a single thing. depression is so much more than a emotion. fuck. thanks for bringing me into this world and making me feel so fucking bloody useless worthless hopeless so much more than i already am. tks, that was just what i need. and i know 2n9 will be the same. anyway, i update @ Twitter much more often, So if you want some updates. go thr and follow me kthxbai! love to all :*

bye. hsyli.. :')

love to bella ilina huiying chai krichelle celestial eehwee for being there for me, every single time. x

If only, If only tears could take away the pain

Bleed till I go dry

2010-06-27T07:28:00.004+08:00

If you can't breathe, Bleed

It's 7:30am now, I guess my broken hearts are sleeping. I'm a hopeless insomniac. Getting quite used to this.... Not sure if it's good or bad. Haha. My condition? Worse than ever. Not gna elaborate.. It's painful talking about things like this. It really is.

My actual reason of coming here to post was to send out all the love I have to everyone :* Especially those sweeties that come to my blog to tag my everyday, Gives me something to smile about everyday, Really. :') Much much much love to all of you out there. You give me hope when my world has turned gray.

I think today's gonna be exhausting. Okay, Exhausting for *me*. I get tired easily by things that aren't supposed to get you tired. Doctor explains that it is partly because of my depression and it consumes alot of my energy, Especially when I spend so much time fighting these emotions. I hate the person I've become, But I'm too scared to go back to who I once was.

Plans are to go to the expo sale? :) I think it's gonna be a human jam in thr man, Haha. Oh well... I actually hate crowded places. In a weird way, I feel extra lonely and *extremely* insecure with people around. Contradicting much? Haha, Oh well... :)

Alright, I shall end off here. Giving up on trying to sleep, It's just getting me more tired tossing and turning in bed crying. I'll just use the computer spamming away @ my Twitter and wait for everyone else to wake up. Oh, Here comes Aiko baby to come kiss me g'morning! Awwww. Sleep tight broken hearts.

Oh and one last thing, People have been telling me that they can't find my tagboard!!!!! It's @ my profile guys! Do tag :) Bye!

Over and over again, Does anyone know what we're living for?

Alone

2010-06-25T05:34:00.002+08:00

You should see my scars

Change can hurt

2010-06-24T16:09:00.003+08:00

I wonder who that girl is?

Recently people have been coming to my tagboard and encouraging me to push on, I cried so hard when I read them yesterday because I was so moved by their random acts of kindness. It really made me feel so much less lonely and it gave me hope. When I'm at pit bottom, These things do pull me up. Even if it's just the slightest bit, It rlly makes me feel better. Sending out all the love I have to these people with such beautiful hearts. :')

I am quitting school, The thought kinda scares me. I'm so scared that I won't have to courage to go back ever again... What am I going to do then? What if I'm stuck down here for good?

Tomorrow, I have my next appointment with my therapist/psychologist. Oh my god, I'm panicking like fuckshit alot. Doctor previously told me to think of sth I wanted to do for the first 2omins and we'd do it tgt, But I srsly have no idea. I'm a nervous wreck. Never thought it'd come this way, Never imagined myself this way..

My mind runs, And I can never catch it even if I get a head start. An empty day, Though clear and bright, Is just as dark as any n9.. :) Good afternoon broken hearts! Lets all hope for the hopeless. Back to twitter now, Follow me @invisiblepains please! Thanks loads.

Much love to all, From Irina. :)

Everytime I think that I am getting close,

I find myself further away than I have ever been before

Hope for the hopeless

2010-06-23T20:36:00.002+08:00

I have no choice but to hide

I woke up a few hours ago, Fell asleep @ around 12pm. Came to check on my cbox and saw the sweetest tag. I've always wanted to do this for those strangers that come to my blog and take the effort to tag me and say "It's all gonna be okay", Or even "Stay strong". It gives me more to live for than you'll ever know. Here's to those sweeties:

8 May 10, 11:38

c: http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l21zqdBdl51qzdr4go1_400.jpg

20 May 10, 22:44

friend!(:: heey yeap cheerup! (: God's always watching, He loves you more than you will ever imagine! :D

19 June 10, 23:35

friend!(:: God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." God's with you always :) jys!

1 June 10, 14:07

Passerby.: Whenever you feel like giving up, remember why you held on in the first place.

6 June 10, 22:16

Passerby.: I visit your blog v day (: . Don't be so negative yeah , you're a pretty girl. Smile.

6 June 10, 00:12

Passerby: Reality is merely an illusion, A very persistent one. & Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torment. Don't give up . I know you can , As so many. You're never alone.

12 June 10, 23:23

Anon.: Heythere, you & your sister must stay strong. Life's greatest treasure is still out there waiting for you to unlock it. There's still a long way for you, girl. Cheer up and smile. (:

21 June 10, 13:06

Anon.: Heyyy, hope ur condition is getting btr! Stay strong, love much.

13 June 10, 15:31

name.: live on for the world . strengthen your soul and overcome everything. Your a precious girl.

14 June 10, 22:57

name.: i'll watch over you from heaven . :')

22 June 10, 13:13

.: dont give a fuck about what people see and think about you darling

22 June 10, 17:20

Passerby: Hey, cheer up k? Don't break down, stay strong!!

23 June 10, 19:50

Another: Ily, and everything will turn out okay.

These are all I'm left with because cbox doesn't allow me to keep too many older messages. But still, Looking at these gives me hope. So whoever you are, Thank you again for all your support, love and encouragement. And I love you guys :') I really do. xx

Yesterday was a bad day, But it was better than today.. But it took today being worst to realize that yesterday wasn't all that bad. Hahaha... :') It's like a never ending cycle of pain. And I'm quitting school, I guess for a year or two. I know I'm not ready, And so Mummy and Daddy said I should take the time to recover.. The only thing I worry about is if I will ever return to schooling again. I don't know if I will be strong enough to do that. Sigh*

Nowadays I feel like my life is on repeat, Day after day. Everyn9 Daddy comes home in a horrible mood and starts shouting.. The n9 ends with the whole family crying.... And me bleeding. Cutting doesn't seem to do enough fr me anymore..... But still I enjoy the process of bleeding. It's as if I'm bleeding all the pain away. Although I'd be dead by the time I'm free of pain if this goes on. Hahaha, Yes I'm talking shit on my blog once again. Oh who cares. I'm losing my head. I might srsly just end up in IMH.. Like Daddy says. Hahahaha. So what rlly is this thing we call life?

It's days like these that makes me wonder why I'm still alive.. I should probably stop here. And oh, b4 I go. Follow me on Twitter @invisiblepains please! :) Much love to all, To the hopeless, broken hearted and broken. Depression- Just another way of saying, Life's unfair :) Haha, Gn9 lovelies.

You can't break the broken

I can't fight it anymore

2010-06-22T03:45:00.002+08:00

Such a mess inside

*Oh god* I need to sleep. I took like 4 sleeping pills and I'm still awake. You know what kill me. I'm so exhausted.... Everyone else is asleep and I feel like tearing myself up when I've in bed for hours and am still kept awake by the sickening demons in my head. Please just let me sleep..

Depression? What else could you possibly take away from me. "I start to think that there is really no cure for depression, That happiness is an ongoing battle and I wonder if it isn't one I'll have to fight for as long as I live. I wonder if it's worth it"

Because with everyday that goes by, I feel myself becoming more and more invisible. I can say now, I don't care what people think about me anymore. I couldn't fucking care less about this thing everyone calls "life", Because you know what? Hell wasn't as far as I thought it was.

I'm fucking broken. Fuck you Irina Sim. Get over it. You're so fucking broken. Uh oh.. Here it comes...... :)

Alone I break

There are no unwounded soldiers

2010-06-21T07:40:00.002+08:00

I'm forever on the verge of tears

Don't know why I'm here, Staring at this page when I should be sleeping. Took my pills and they only lasted me 2 hours b4 I woke up and couldn't fall back asleep again. I feel like such an insomniac. Sigh. I'm tired. It's days like this that makes me feel like giving it all up..

Should I quit school? Daddy and Mummy are fine with it, They say. I need the time at home to recover and heal. But I'm so scared. I always complain about school but thinking about leaving school scares me.. It makes me feel even more worthless, useless and weak.

They said, I could quit for a year or two, And then return back to school. If I need a change, Then a different school. Then maybe Ilina and I could be together in a different school or sth. It's strange. Why do I feel so scared?

I'm tired of crying. Tired of fighting. Tired of living. Tired of bleeding. Tired of the pain. Tired of hoping things will get better. Tired of waking up. Tired of feeling. Tired of feeling so tired. Tired of trying. Tired of finding a reason to live on. I'm tired of everything.

Do you ever stay awake, Because you're too tired to sleep? Do you make yourself cry, Because you hurt too much you can't? Do you want to die so much that you don't even try? I'm a little crazy I guess. But I do.

I wish I was blind so I wouldn't have to see how far I have to go..

Pain is sometimes the only cure

All we'd ever need

2010-06-20T20:52:00.001+08:00

I'm a little drunk and I need you now

Another shot of whisky

2010-06-20T20:16:00.002+08:00

Hopeless once again

Major breakdown last night. Major. I'm on a fucking mind merry go round. You know what, Daddy.. I really don't know what you want from me anymore. Heaven knows I tried. Just... Forgive me if I break. They say everything takes a day at a time. So daddy if I didn't wake up tomorrow, Would you realize I tried my hardest?........

Emotional torment doesn't leave scars, So I made some. Why is it that when we think we have everything we need, We end up losing it all? I'm too tired to put up a fight. I was completely numb. I couldn't see, I couldn't feel, I couldn't think. And at that point I'd rather be dead.

Drained all of my hopes down to the bone. My wrists will cry in blood the tears my eyes couldn't. I regret living this far. I regret so bad.

Suck it up

Play it strong

I've cried these tears for way too long

I cry behind the eyes

2010-06-18T04:00:00.001+08:00

I'm so tired of being weak

I'm here to update my dead blog @ 4am exact. Everyone else is asleep. My life now is totally day become n9, n9 become day. I've always had trouble sleeping. I'm getting so used to my lifestyle now, It's almost like I'm alive out of habit.

Going out to meet my dearest sisters- Raina, Zoe and Nina tomorrow morning for lunch @ compass with Bella and Ilina. It's been so long since I've seen them, Since I've last went to school. These few nights... I've been lying in bed and staring out into the sky and it's almost as if my tears automatically start to flow.

2 Nights ago, I was crying in bed when Daddy got up for work. I went to his room hugging my pillow and I ran into Daddy's arms and told him I was so tired. I was so tired of doing this. And he gently stroked my head, And told me it was alright, And to go to his bed and sleep instead.

I don't update my blog now, Because I'm really running out of words. Some days I come to post and then realize I have nothing to post! It's like everyday is a repeat of yesterday. It's the same over, and over and over again. How many times have I tried to explain this? *Laughs. I should seriously stop this.

Oh right, Before I end! I have something hilarious to say! Just now, Ilina and I were in the kitchen and we randomly started to talk about our dearest HuiYing Sissy! So we started talking about the times she did this for us, She did that for us, And then I had this "outburst of love" (As we call it) for her. So I decided to pick up my phone, And call her @ 2AM. So it went like this.

HuiYing: Hello?

Me: Hi, I just called to say that I love you very very very very much. Byebye.

And then I hanged up. And then I received a text that made me fall to the ground laughing.

"WHAT THE FUCKING HELL. ARE YOU GOING TO COMMIT SUICIDE ?!?!?!"

HAHAHAHAHAHA, She actually thought I called to give her a final dose of my love!!! Omg, I seriously never expected her reaction to be like this. Neither did Ilina, So we couldn't stop laughing. And then the next few messages went like this.

"YOU GUYS ARE INSANE . WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK . I GOT THE SHOCK OF MY LIFE."

"LOL YOU SAY TILL LIKE YOU GOING TO DIE AND KUP THE PHONE . DO. NOT. EVER. DO. THAT. AGAIN."

Hahahah! My dearest is soooooooooooooo cute la please!!! Much love for you Sissy!!!! :*

Haha, Alright. I'll go off now. Go check if Ilina and Bella's blankets are on them b4 going to smoke. Gn9 broken hearts. It's alright, No it's not over.. :')

There's no easy way, It gets harder everyday

Scars

2010-06-17T04:56:00.000+08:00

Gn9 broken hearts

One last time

2010-06-15T06:47:00.001+08:00

Change my life for the better
Kill me

Struggle

2010-06-15T01:25:00.001+08:00

Tears? Yeah, I've got plenty of those..

Pain is sometimes the only cure

2010-06-15T01:03:00.000+08:00

Just ask me how I'm doing and I'll tell you the truth..

I don't know why I'm here. I guess I have things I need to say.. I'm really tired. I'm so tired of everything. I'm tired of saying I'm tired. I'm so fucking tired. I'm tired of hiding, Trying, Crying, Begging, Questioning, Loving, Pretending. I'm tired of being me. I'm so tired. Fuck it. I'm so fucking tired.

What am I doing here? Why am I staying? I can't tell you, I can't tell you how much it actually hurts me like fucking crazy. Why? It's so painful, I could walk away and never look back. But why am I standing here hoping for a change that is never going to happen. FUCK. What the fuck am I waiting for? How can I make you understand..?

You can see her sadness. The sparkle in her eyes dies a little more, Her mouth becomes a little straighter, Her voice a little quieter, Her head hangs a little lower, She walks a little slower. Everyday a little more and you can't do a thing for her.

What happens, When your everything isn't enough? Every breath I take feels like another heartbreak. How many times have I said this, I just can't do this anymore. I can't do this anymore. I'm so tired. I'm so fucking exhausted of feeling like this, Of this sickening emptiness, pain, sorrow, anxiety, sadness and numbness that follows me around like my own shadow. I can't do this anymore, Please, Please just take me away..

When I cry at night, the only thing I can think to myself is- How can I seem so perfectly fine in the morning, Why do I smile like nothing is wrong, And how does not one single person notice that I'm not okay? There were days where all I can do is exist but even that small effort was too painful.

Depression? What is depression? I am depression? Then what the fuck am I? What the fuck am I saying? I just need some answers, Does anybody hear me? Fuck, I'm so sick and tired, I'm so fucking tired!!!!! Depression???? Hahahaha, This is funny what the fuck. How can I still be alive when I'm feeling THIS much of pain? And then how can this actually hurt more and more when I've felt it so much how can it actually hurt more every single time? It could bloody KILL ME if it wanted to but NO, It wants me to fucking suffer like this but WHY??? Oh my god, I'm fucking going crazy FUCKKKKKKKKKKK. It's as if there's something living inside of me, Something I can't get rid of because killing it means killing me. Get it? HAHAHAHA, Didn't think so!

Sorry. This is totally shit. It's just one of those days where breathing is a bother. Ignore me. B4 I go, I want to say gn9 to all the broken hearts in the world :) :) :) It's gonna be ok sweeties!!!! Don't lose faith!!!

It's at night where I feel the most comfort

Wishing the darkness would consume me until there is no more

Come take a look at my tears, That's all I ask from you

In this cruel game of life

2010-06-13T03:57:00.002+08:00

I'm dying without a reason to live

3:36AM on my clock now. My whole family is sleeping soundly and it's really quiet accept for the fact that I'm on the phone now. Yesterday was simple. At 9pm, I wanted to go down for a walk. So I went to the room and asked Bella and Ilina if they wanted to go down too. Bella was already changed, So she said okay. Ilina, Being a lazy ass changed her mind last minute :( I went to get showered and both of us headed out. We had no idea of where we were headed, And just started to walk.

Went to our secret spot, Which we call sky lights. It was mad beautiful. Bella and me just sat there and had a H2H talk. It's been so long since I've even made the effort to actually get out of the house. But with Bella around everything was okay.

Told sister everything. Everything. It was hard. But I guess it went ok.. I love you Bella Sissy. I will remember what you told me. I want to be strong for you.. "If you can't live for yourself, Live for the ones you love"

Today was spent with Mummy, Sisters, And Zel. Ate @ MHF and then headed to Cotton on and got our "Sissy" shirt HAHA. *wink wink* After which bused home. Waited under our blk and smoke while waiting for HY Sissy's dad to come get her.

Went up at 2310. That's all. I can't go on. It's here again.... Goodnight broken hearted.

Going over these lies in my head..

This is to XIAOSHI/VALENTINA/PANDORA/BIEBABY/STICH/NAMELESS/PSB/EUNICE.

2010-06-10T22:14:00.005+08:00

*TWIST*!!!!!

The following pictures above explains the psycho spammer on Ilina's blog. No explanation as to how she changed the last digit of her IP address ranging from numbers 1-9. She ridiculously used 3 names in total on Ilina's tb: Nameless, Psb, And Eunice. She used "Nameless" to defend Ilina, "Psb" to spam Ilina, And "Eunice" as a friend of "Nameless". Yes. She's mentally ill. I frickin swear so, She was LITERALLY arguing with herself, On one hand trying to defend Ilina and on one hand quarreling with HERSELF over defending Ilina. IS THAT FUCKING INSANE OR WHAT? Now I'm saying this and I mean it in every single possible way. You are fucking crazy and you seriously need help. This is not a joke. It sounds ridiculous, And I've never met someone as psychotic as you are. You have bloody split personalities. Oh well. :) Don't get too upset over this. After all, It is COMPLETELY your fault and you only have YOURSELF to blame. Oh wait, I was wrong. You have hmm..... Lemmi think. Psb? Eunice? Nameless and yah, You to blame. Split the blame evenly ah. :) Now scram. And bloody don't come back you rabies dog. You're fucking insane and it's freaking everyone out yah? :) Get over yourself, And I said this once, I'm gonna say this again. GET A FUCKING LIFE. I hope you had fun, Because you know what? I SURELY DID. _|_

Deep and meaningless

2010-06-09T23:16:00.002+08:00

A cut that went too deep

Nothing much to update. CGC in the morning, Appointment with my psychologist. As soon as I took the first step out of the room I cried. In confusion, Relief and shame. After which went to Hougang. Met my dearest Krich 2day! Hehe, Much love to you Krich!!! xxx

Ok, Shall end here. But b4 that, Here's to the bloody spammer in Ilina's blog: _|_

I've let the demons inside me get the best of me

I feel, Yet I'm unable to heal

2010-06-09T07:27:00.002+08:00

I'm gonna lose you, You're gonna lose me

I'm gonna miss you, You're gonna forget about me

Iwnrly, Obylmt..

If only you knew, If only you knew..

Don't worry now

2010-06-08T21:01:00.003+08:00

Hopeless once again

Appointment @ CGC tomorrow. What more can I say? I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. So 2night I'll put on the sad songs, Plug in my headphones and crank up the volume just to drain the night away. I just want to know it will all be worth losing my soul when the end comes. I feel like I'm taking 2 steps forward just to be pushed 3 steps back..

Goodn9 to all the broken hearted.

Am I dreaming or am I really dying inside?

It's so cold alone

2010-06-08T04:39:00.000+08:00

I'm talking to you on the phone as if everything is fine

You'd never know that between every sentence I put it on mute and let a few more tears fall..

Why do I give myself false hope?

2010-06-07T03:21:00.002+08:00

The pain is slowly beginning to manifest itself

3:30AM now. At least Twin is awake 2. With her around, It's always less lonely. Sigh, Monday is here again. It's both a good and bad thing I guess. I get to spend time with Twin alone at home again. I love those days at home with her. We have each other for company and fall asleep side by side. :* Ai si ni.

Posting now cuz I have absolutely nothing to do. So much I need to say but can't.... Somebody hear me out. Sigh. Sometimes I love it how my bed is facing the window, That way I can watch the stars at night and slowly watch them fade when it becomes bright. It's almost as if every night I stare into the night sky for answers.

Ok, I'm gonna go nao. n9 to all the broken hearted people crying themselves to sleep. Did you know that every time I was on the phone with you, I put myself on mute, And silently cried to you...?

Living one big lie

Turn around, Bright eyes

2010-06-06T22:45:00.004+08:00

What would you do if the world gave up on you?

HY Sissy is over now. She's been over for quite awhile but I only woke up @ 8 or so. Again was kept awake all night till the sky got bright. Everyday I have less to say because I really sleep thru the whole day and I cannot speak the things I want to say. I never want to explain them anyway... Today Mummy told me that she wrote 4 letters. For my 3 sisters and myself and that she passed it to my oldest sister. She said that if anything happened to her, Big sister would hand them to us. I'm so scared..

I'm far from okay, And I think this is the end of the road for me. Should I let myself fall even further or pick myself up and do it all over again? If only I could drown my thoughts.. The way they drown me. Please hear what I'm not saying, Please see through this smile I'm wearing..

Loneliness is a bitter ache that slowly consumes me

And as a matter of fact, Yes. It does actually hurt to smile.

Better in time

2010-06-05T20:51:00.002+08:00

Not all of us can be saved, And not all of us are worth saving

I'm all alone at home. Everyone's out, But then again I guess I really need this time alone too. And so again, I was awake all night till 7. Daddy got up cuz he had a job to do and told me he'd come back to bring me out for breakfast, That everything was alright.

This feeling of worthlessness makes me feel cold to the bone. Last night, A friend of mine asked me if I wanted to make it to the end and out of this. I didn't really know how to answer that. I'm not sure I know how to live without the pain anymore. And sometimes it scares me. People that I need are slowly giving up on me one by one. I can't start to explain how it makes me feel. I just feel like I have no more reason for anything. It makes me feel so bloody fucking worthless. I feel so close to giving up. And I don't even think it would hurt as bad as this.

People take years to recover from depression. And it shouldn't even be called 'recovery'. It's probably just getting used to it after so many years. I'm so scared I'm going to forget how it really feels like to be happy. Is it too much to ask for one thing to go right? I swear I didn't mean to feel like this- Like every part of me is bruised. I don't know how much longer I can hold out. I'm so tired.

"This is what I am. I have periods of enormous self-destructive depression, Where I go completely off my trollet and lose sight of all reality and reason" - Elizabeth Wurtzel

I cried reading this. It was like someone saw through into so deep inside of me because this is exactly how it is. I hate it when people tell me that it will get better. I can't believe it anymore, I can't wait for things to get better any longer, I will never hold hope for it anymore. Things never get better, I will just have to learn to live with the pain, The sick feeling in my stomach and that feeling that drives me insane and leaves me feeling so empty and numb and cold inside.

I'm just so sick of waiting for a better tomorrow. Sooner or later, We all give up. Don't we?

Same old thing, Same old sting

-

2010-06-04T23:39:00.008+08:00

http://symptomsofagirl.blogspot.com/

*Oh my god*, I swear this is the first time I've seen such a try-hard poser. I frickin' cannot stand you anymore. You know if it makes you feel so *damn* good to actually keep on copying people, Go on k! Seriously how the hell do you do it? You stare @ Ilina's and my blog and totally rephrase exactly what we say and post it up on your blog, For what sia? Bloody fuckin' annoying. Go on la, I see how long you can last with your current life. Seriously, I rarely even say this but get a fucking life. _|_

Tied together with a smile

2010-06-04T22:43:00.002+08:00

I feel like I only exist in my past

Short update? Yeah. Was up all night last night. Killed time by talking on the phone. @ 6 decided to meet dearest Krich whom I've not seen in a *million* years! Ok that's a little exaggerated but you get my point. Got ready and left the house @ around 7, Cabbed over to her place and had a light while waiting for her.

Walked to Hougang mall the NTUC and got our beer. After which went to Punggol park and sat by the ocean to drink. Krich was being ultra high which totally made me laugh even when I was on the edge of breaking down. Hahaha. Then we were smoking and there was this woman practicing her tai ji infront of us and then she came to us and told us not to 'eat' our cigarettes because she was exercising and because she doesn't 'eat' cigarettes it didn't smell 'nice' to her. *Piak forehead* Damn cute laaaa!

After that took a bus to Hougang mall and was actually planning to get on a cab then send Krich home b4 heading back to PR, But we couldn't get a cab despite crossing to the opposite side and back. Was mad pissed cuz it was frickin' hot lah! So we went to the kopitiam and bought a drink and me and Krich ate. We were like bloody hungry @ first and ite cannot even finish half.

Decided I was not going to go back out under that frickin' hot sun to wait for a frickin' cab to frickin' stop for us so I called Daddy up! And of course he came to get me. xxx Lifesaver! Sent Krich home first and then back to PR. Fell asleep till 7 near 8. Frickin' tired.

Woke up, Showered and went to buy cig with Bella and Ilina. After which met with JunXian to buy ice cream from him. Went home, Posting now. I realized today that nothing has felt real to me in a long time. You don't know how much it controls you until you're in it and can't get out.

It's official I feel completely hopeless..

Bleeding deep

2010-06-03T21:43:00.003+08:00

I'm so sick of breathing

I feel like I shouldn't update if everyday my life is just yesterday's repeat. Every night I watch it happen, And every morning I wish it was all just a dream. I'm so tired. I really just can't say this enough. I'm so exhausted. I sleep the whole day away and yet I wake up feeling so exhausted. I don't even take a hundred steps around the house everyday. All I do is lay in bed watching the world spin, And after awhile all sight and sound goes blur.

I feel stuck. I stare at myself in the mirror and wonder why I'm here. The thing is I can never come up with an answer. It feels like I'm walking on the same spot and just sinking deeper and deeper down...

And, Again I'll be lonesome. Just me, Myself, And the blood on the floor. Honestly why do I even try anymore.

The pain only lasts till the numbness sets in

We are the generation handpicked to bleed

2010-06-01T23:53:00.002+08:00

Nothing left to smile about

I feel so drained. I slept for nearly 3/4 of the day. All I want to do is sleep, Sleep and more sleep. I'm just so tired. I don't feel up to nearly everything, I don't want to move, I don't want to breathe and I can't say what I feel when I can't feel. I can't feel anymore.

Life keeps giving me reasons to trust no one but me. Some say to never give up on hope. But in my case, I don't have any hope to give up on. These tears don't explain nearly enough. Bad Day? Honey, I had a rough life.

I'm a little more than useless

It's what you didn't say that hurts again

2010-06-01T03:57:00.001+08:00

Goodnight broken hearted people.

So hard just to say goodbye

2010-05-31T22:36:00.003+08:00

Hope is the denial of reality

Nothing to update about. HY Sissy came over, Sat around till like 8-9 and then she left. That was my whole day. Yeap, Sumarized in 1 sentence. Hahaha. I think it's gonna stay like this for a long time to come.. I'm tired. I'm already so exhausted.

Next week is gonna be tiring. 2 appointments @ CGC. I don't think I could handle this. I don't wanna carry on... I'm going so far out one day I won't come back at all. I'll go smoke now kthxbai.

Nobody knows what it's like to have hope when you know deep inside nothing's gonna change. I can't believe I'm already crying just typing this post. Reality check........ I'm still broken.

1 2 3 close your eyes

4 5 6 slowly drift away

7 8 9 feel no pain

Smiling through depression, My specialty

Cry me out

2010-05-30T21:47:00.002+08:00

29th

Irina is mad lazy to post. :( I'm gonna skip updates on the previous few days ok! So just go to Bella's or Ilina's instead to know what happened over the past few days. I think they updated la. I don't really know why I'm posting, I'm just mad bored! I have nothing to do so I'm being a smoke machine and my supply of cigarettes are running like free lah. Ughhhhh.

I can't believe the June holidays are here. I don't know how this first half of the year was like for all of you, But for me- Time has passed so damn quickly yet so painfully slow at the same time. Contradicting, I know. But that's just how it is. Still, Everyday I look back and take a walk down memory lane and I can't believe how much things have changed over the years.

Yesterday, I was lying on my parent's bed crying when my dad came into the room. He sat beside me and gently sayang my head like he used to and told me he felt really helpless to see me slowly lose myself in this sickness with every day that pass.

I can't go on, It's here again. Gotta go. Bye.

Sometimes I think that I was forced to withdraw into depression because it was the only rightful protest I could throw in the face of a world that said it was alright for people to come and go as they please, That there were simply no real obligations left
-Elizabeth Wurtzel

Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, The need to put a happy face on sorrow, The need to keep on holding on?... I don't know the answer, I know only that I can't.

I just can't do this anymore.

Shattered

2010-05-30T03:13:00.000+08:00

I haven't updated in *ages*. Okay, Actually it's been only 4 days since it's already 3am! I'm losing my blogging bug. Again. Hahaha, Alright. Update tomorrow. I'm actually dead tired loh....
Anyway, Happy birthday Twin! Ai si ni xoxoxo.

Thank you:
Fabian, Bella, Priscilla Heng, Khai, Kristie, WeiKiat, Kavin, Eugene, HuiYing, Claudia, Charin, Giselle, ZhiAn, Priscilla Lim, JunBin, Nurul, YiLin, Felyn, KeXin, Syafyqah, SengTong, JunJie, JianHan, Valerie, Krichelle, Cynthia, Jeremy, Michelle, JunJie, Azilia, Preethika, Celine, JunWu, WeiQi, SowYee, Delia, EeLin, Geraldine, YanLing, Zel, Joh, Tracy, Agnes, Krista, Rebekah, Priscillia, Celestial, Alden, Alvan, Chai, EeHwee, Elena, JianHan, KaiQian, Nazurah, Reuben, Nigel, Raina, Zoe, Luke, XinNi, Carey, Kelli, Pearlyn, And everyone else that wished me happy birthday.

You gave me more to live for than you'll ever know. :)

I'm gonna end off here now, Bye guys~

Together at the top

2010-05-26T22:51:00.003+08:00

Turning on a million lights will only cast a million shadows

Nothing much to update about. Not in a good mood right now, So I'm gonna make this a quick one. HY Sissy came over today. Really idiotic things happened but not gonna elaborate. Ahaha. *Inside joke* Daddy come home early today, Bought like mad alot of takeaways + KFC! Saying it's Twin's and mine chinese birthday. Super adorable max!!!! xxx

HY left awhile ago. Okay, I'm gonna end right now. :) Byebye.

You can't heal a bleeding heart

Nobody knows it but me

2010-05-26T03:11:00.000+08:00

3:11AM

Bleed me alive

I feel so dead inside

Heal

2010-05-25T19:02:00.002+08:00

I'm stuck inside a smile that doesn't fit me anymore

Today was screwed. Actually worse than that, I just can't find words to describe today. I guess I saw this coming. Went to school today even though I had a rough night. Smoke in school and then sat @ the canteen with Raina & Bella. Was panicking like hell and they were being such silly idiots trying to calm me down.

Neo came to chase us to the quadrangle so went. Sat there and I was so scared I refused to let Lessy go. She accompanied me for awhile till Pey showed up.. Sat there and broke down without a sound. I was scared stiff when people came up to start conversations with me, I'm just not used to this anymore. Everyone looks so happy and I just sat there hoping a day would come I would be able to smile like that and actually mean it for once. I will never cry enough. I'm just sad in so many things that I can't explain. I'll smile and make you believe that I'm not falling apart.

Passed Leow w/o getting held back, And Ms Yong came up to me and I knew what she was going to say b4 she even spoke. "Irina, Can we talk later?" I hate it. I don't want to talk, I don't want to talk to anybody why can't you all just leave me alone. I can't deal anyone now..

Pulled myself through till recess. I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying to be okay. If I pretend long enough will I believe it? Called Mommy up, Told her I was going home. Accompanied HY Sissy for recess and Neo was being damn unreasonable with the tone of voice he used on me when I wasn't even rude to him in the first place.

Daddy came to pick me up, Bella called and then she came down to look for me, Decided she would go home with me today. Waited in the car while Daddy went down to look for Neo to claim my EZ Link card that he has kept for months back. He was gone for so long I got worried so Bella waited in the car and I went back to the office to look for Daddy.

Daddy was in a heated arguement with Neo over me. Daddy was shouting at VP and Neo. Totally broke my heart when the moment I stepped into the office I heard him saying "You don't say you understand, You don't understand! Until your wife, Your children, Your own daughter have this illness then you will understand how painful it is! And you all don't want to help, And you still want to pressure her like that! If anything happen to her I will hold you responsible!" I swear I'm really sick of being who I am..

They say "Tell me what is wrong with you" I just shrug my shoulders and say, "Well you tell me, Since you're the ones that judge and you're the ones that know" If I don't know who I am, How would you? You know, Since young, Daddy has always protected me. He always tells us how he never lets anyone else take care of us other them himself. And how Mommy always told us how he quit his job as a high paying manager of a company just to watch us grow up and take care of us thru the process. I can't help but cry now saying this. Daddy MeiMei loves you so much. I'm so sorry I'm so worthless. I remember how I used to promise you a big house, To bring you and Mommy travelling and how I used to write and draw you cards every father's day. I'm so sorry Daddy. I'm so sorry you had to go thru all this and you had to drop everything just to save me. You will always be my superman and I want to always be your little girl.

Daddy just came into the room and saw me crying. I feel so heartbroken and so bloody useless. I can't stop crying. What happens when you realize who you are and wish you hadn't? You look in my eyes and wonder why I don't try in this world. Maybe it's because I know I will always be a failure in your eyes. Everything will come to it's end.

Time could change the way I live but it cannot heal the pain I feel. Am I the only one failing in life? I'm at the edge of the end, But at least this way I no longer have to pretend. Here I am, Picking myself off the floor once more..

Sadness: Are you becoming part of my life or are you my whole life?

There goes a piece of me...

Look at that, She's breaking down

Rain

2010-05-25T00:41:00.003+08:00

Save a little prayer for the fallen ones

Shit. I should already be asleep by now. Shit. I don't want a repeat of last night. God, I'm tired. Was supposed to go to school yesterday but again, Insomnia acted on me. Along with my usual panic attack that got me up all night shaking and crying. Fuck it. By the time I could finally fall asleep I had to wake up for school already. So I didn't go.. Was way too exhausted.

I'm going to school tomorrow. I really made up my mind. Maybe I won't last through out the day, But I just want to give it a shot. I just don't want to feel this useless and hopeless.. Sigh* I'm really scared thinking about returning to school tomorrow after so long. Sounds rather silly but, That's just the way it is for me. It has been for a long time. I can't bring myself to face anyone out there. Any small effort is too painful to take. I guess that's depression. Well, At least a small part of it..

Alright, I just wanted to let out some of my frustrations because I can't seem to relax laying in bed. I'm so fearful of tomorrow. And it makes me feel useless to be so scared.. I just want to be okay tomorrow. That's all I ask for. Goodnight.

Pain

Without it some of us would die

Completely incomplete

2010-05-24T00:00:00.003+08:00

Did you ever think that maybe you're the reason why I'm sitting on the floor,

Wrist bleeding, Drunk and crying....?

IGIWNMTBGE..

Hide your sad eyes

There's never a right time to say goodbye

2010-05-23T23:11:00.002+08:00

I wish I could shatter the image everyone sees

I'm going to school tomorrow. Yeap, You heard me right. I'm going to school tomorrow. After a month of MIA from school, I'm going to give a shot once more. I'm not sure if I'm gonna last... But I'm going to go tomorrow. Not gonna listen in class or do anything I'm not up to, I'm just gonna go and... See if I'm ready again.

Okay so today was simple. Woke up @ 2 I think, Lazed in bed for forever. I'm always so tired. My bed seems like the only place I feel safe in now. Getting out of it seems.. Difficult. All I want to do these days is just curl up and.. Hide.

Fell asleep for a few more hours before I finally had the strength to leave bed. Showered and had a huge quarrel with Big sister just as she was about to leave the house. Left me in the bathroom soaking in cold water with my clothes on. Please don't leave me here like this..

Fell asleep when I came out, Again. Sometimes I still have this fear of falling asleep, I have no reason to wake up anymore. It always scares me how the real nightmare comes when I wake up and have to face the overwhelming emotions that are slowing taking all of me. Woke up and HY Sissy was over and bought us bubbletea, Again! Haha. I love you Sissy, :*

Showered and brought Aiko'bbum down for a walk with Bella, Ilina and HY. Went to buy cig, Then sat @ 194 and talked. HY spotted mata, So we went away fast enough to avoid being screened. Walked bbum for a little while and he was so happy walking around. :) Instantly made me smile.. Homed @ 11.

I wonder if I'll get to sleep @ all 2night. I always get really nervous and panic when I haven't been to school for a long time. I mean, Have to go back to avoiding Ms Pey, Holding back my tears, Putting on that smile and quarreling with teachers. Gets really, Really unbearable after awhile.. And school gets so tiring for me. Emotionally, Mentally and physically exhausting. Doctor suggested giving me half day school to increase my attendance..

Just thinking about school I'm starting to want to back out. Oh no. Okay, I should probably stop here. Bye.

11:11, I wished on you

11:11, I hope you wished on me too..

What's left of me

2010-05-23T16:39:00.002+08:00

I don't know what's keeping me here,

But I wish I could let it go,

So that it would let me go..

I've been dying inside, Little by little. It's like one minute I'm where I want to be, And the next minute I want to run away and hide forever. How can you lose grip of happiness when you never even had a hold of it?

I'd rather you hate me than have you wonder if your love for me is real. You broke my heart pretty literally. I could tell you I miss you a million times but still know you're better off without me.

How can I tell you I love you,

But I can't think of the words to say, I'm always thinking of you,

It always leads to one thing honey but I can't think of the words to say..

You made me feel and that is what I will miss most of all..

Reality is no longer real

2010-05-21T22:21:00.002+08:00

A lost soul in disguise

Here to update. Today was.. Rather tiring. Last night, Slept @ 5AM, And had to wake up @ 9 to go CGC. Mad tired!!! Went to shower, And woke Twin up to shower. Got ready and all and Daddy fetched us to get Mummy from her office then to CGC. Mad long trip. Had so much to think about, I couldn't fall asleep.

Reached CGC, Was like half an hour early. Went to 7/11, Got drinks and all then went up. Waited for awhile then Twin and Mummy went in the room while I waited outside for them. Was about to fall asleep when Twin came out. Doctor insists on admitting her to IMH to 'observe' her. I don't know what's my psychologist gonna say when he hears it from me too. Oh god. I don't wanna go into a 'nuthouse', And I don't want Twin to go in there either. Sigh* Now I'm really scared for my appointment..

After that Daddy left us at WCP for a little while, And HY Sissy came to look for us, Went to macs to eat. Ahahaha, Had so much fun at the playground laaaa. Climbing up the 'spider' thingy with HY Sissy was super fun and scary, Hahaha! But I won her loh! H3h3h3. After that walked around and sat by the breakwaters to blow wind and smoke. I'll picture you with the wind in your hair.

Afterwhich got Daddy to pick us up as we were all dead exhausted by then. Long trip home and Daddy was being sucha idiot talking rubbish that made all of us laugh to no end, Fuck funny plz!!! Ahaha. Reached home, Went up and instantly fell asleep when my head hit the pillow. Was damn exhausted.

Woke up four hours later and went to shower and smoke. Changed and then went down to 7/11 with HY Sissy and Twin. Ate cup noodles @ the void deck 2gt! Ahahaha. Aiko'bbum was with us and he was so hyped up dashing here and there, Made us all chase and laugh till can't breathe. I love my bbum!!! xxx

Just got home awhile ago, Posting now and the 'feeling' is here again. I'm gonna go smoke to get some air. Losing myself in the pain again.. Goodnight readers.

I'm sick of trying to be strong and ending up weaker than ever..

Don't worry now

2010-05-21T02:49:00.003+08:00

How many tears can you cry before there's nothing left of you?

I can never have one smooth night. Never. I'm so tired, Why is it I have to do this everynight? I don't want to bloody take tranquilizers or any sort of medicine to just get to sleep. Fuck. I'm so frustrated. I have so frickin' much I wish I could just say so somebody would frickin' hear me but I can't. Y'know how much that bloody feeling kills? I'm so tired keeping everything inside it's really getting so painful..

Great. I just typed one bloody long paragraph trying to explain my pain and how miserable I and then I realized I couldn't let you read it or it's just gonna make you feel bad and everything and I'm just gonna be even more selfish than I already am so I deleted it.... I'm just gonna get to my priv blog. Everyone's asleep, Nobody is listening. I think I'm gonna....

Would you really throw it all away to save me?

I never meant to get this selfish but I need you so bad......

Drown in your own regrets

2010-05-20T23:34:00.003+08:00

Even the brightest stars burn out

Quick update! Rushing for time. I wanna go shower, Then go crash. :) So last night, A replay of the night b4! Couldn't sleep at all, But the good thing is that this time, I had Twin all awake with me. Ahahaha. We were so bloody restless! Decided to go out and sit in the living room to watch TV to kill time. So looked through the channels and the shows that were showing and then decided on our childhood fav- PPG!!!!

One word. Awesome. Brought back fond memories of my childhood days when I thought of the world as a simple place and believed in happily ever after's. Haha, It's sad. I would've never guessed I'd have to try so hard at living. Oh well. So watched TV and smoked, Sat at the living room till 5am, And then finally. Finally fell asleep. Somehow! I had no recollection of how I did, But yeah.

Woke up when everyone in the family was busy preparing for work and school, Dragged myself back to bed and instantly fell asleep. Slept till 2 going 3, Woke up and showered. HY Sissy came over with nai cha~ H3h3h3, Talk about instant happiness! Spent the day at home, Left the house at around 7 to buy cig. HY Sissy came along with me and brought Aiko'bbum for a walk at the same time.

The cashier was really funny, Striked a conversation about smoking with me! And she even complain to me that she was waiting for her friend to come and take over her shift so she could go for a light! Ahahaha, Said goodbye and left. Sat at 194 for a little bit and then walked back home after awhile.

Spent the rest of the day having pillow fights with my dear HY Sissy(_|_!!!!!) and lying in bed, I always feel so tired. Oh well. I need to sleep tonight, Have to wake up early to head to CGC. Accompanying Twin for her appointment tomorrow. Alright, Gonna end off here now! Goodnight sweeties. xx

I'll be right where you left me

You hit me like a blind bullet through my heart

Break

2010-05-20T00:09:00.003+08:00

Feels like I lost what I never had

Water from my eyes are running on free flow and I don't try to stop it anyway. It's been such a long time and for so long I haven't been able to actually cry everything out. Everything. So when I actually have a reason to break down and I cry, I rather just let it be. I feel more human. At least I can cry again. For so long I felt like I ran out of tears. I cried so much and so hard everyday but suddenly I just couldn't anymore. It felt like I literally ran out of tears. Well, It is said that is the effects of prozac and anti depressants. Also makes me slightly numb.. Can't feel happy, Yet I can't feel sad. I'm neither here nor there, Sometimes it gets really frustrating. The feeling of being trapped is just... Yeah.

I heard that when you start on anti depressant/prozac- The side effects of stopping halfway is disasterous. But I can totally understand why people would do that even though having the knowledge of what will happen, Because the feeling of having to take medication to control your own emotions is just... Horrible. Feel like I'm so tied down and it doesn't feel like it really helps in any way at all. I recently discovered that the dosage of medication the doctor prescribed me is really high compared to others. My friend, Which I mentioned a few posts ago takes 2 pills a day. And each pill is 2omg prozac. Which means he takes 4omg of prozac a day. But Ilina and I take 4 pills everyday, 3 of which are prozac and they're 5omg. Which means we take 15omg prozac ea day. Why?

I don't even want to think about it. Makes me feel like I'm some insane mentally unstable depressive person that can't control my emotions. I'm scared. Scared to death of myself. Basically, Today and tomorrow are the same- A rerun of yesterday's pain. I feel as if I'm in a room full of people screaming and nobody even looks up. I feel so empty. I have so many questions, None of which I have had a answer to.. I feel like I've said this too many times to even hold hope for anything to happen anymore, But somebody, Please somebody. Save me..

Maybe it's best to just stay down after I've fallen so many times

Lost and insecure, You found me

2010-05-19T22:46:00.002+08:00

I don't want to remember what I thought we had

Finally, Left the house to go out after staying at home for *forever*. HY came over @ around 3, I was asleep then cuz I didn't sleep @ night. Forced myself to get up and go shower. Got ready and all, Took reeeeally long! Finally left the house, Bused to DTE. Had a light, Then went to check movie timings and settled for 'back up plan' @ 5.1o.

Bought our tix and drinks and could go in the cinema alr, Found our seats and settled down. Awesome show, Hilarious+sweet 2tm!!! But I was bloody cold and tired in the cinema, So yeah. Khai was @ dte too, So after the show headed to the carpark to smoke 2gt with his friends.

After that went seperate ways and bought sushi to eat then pei Bella go sweethouse to eat. Afterwhich we cabbed home. Daddy and Mummy were home already. HY Sissy left @ 8.3o. Home rather early today. Wasn't really in the mood to go out or anything. Waaay too tired. Okay, End off here now. Bye!

Give me a reason to believe

Here we go again

2010-05-19T06:56:00.003+08:00

Pain is nothing compared to the damage love can do to you

Bloody hell, I haven't slept a wink. I was up all night cuz I wanted to see if I could sleep without my sleeping pills.. I can't. I was so bored I read a bloody thick book about stress and emotional issues that my mum apparantly bought for us and smoked to get thru the night :( Like super pekcek only. Lie in bed and watch the sky clear. Gave me so much time to think about everything, But I didn't get anywhere. Sigh*

Bella, Big sister, Daddy & Mommy just left for work a little while ago and Twin is *finally* up!!! Went to smoke together and now we're lying in bed. I'm posting where as she's lying on her bed with Aiko'bbum. Hahaha, Aiko was so sweet earlier. He cuddled with me through out the night and I pat him to sleep. Made me feel so much less lonely. Ahaha.

Alright, I'm gonna end off hereeeeee. I'm soooo bored!!! I was in bed since 11 and I was so close to banging my head on the wall to knock myself out, I swear!!!!! Gahhhhhhh. Too late to take my sleeping pills now cuz' I'll be heading out to catch a movie with my lovelies later on :( If I take it and go to sleep now I'll *never* get up.

Alright, I'm gone.

Let it rain on what I'm feeling now

About you now

2010-05-18T13:31:00.002+08:00

With my eyes closed, There's one picture fading in and out

A crash of two hearts

2010-05-17T19:58:00.002+08:00

What doesn't make you stronger only kills you

I think I've reached the point where giving up and going on are both the same dead end to me. I guess I have to face the facts one day, I will never be okay again. I'm scared to death of myself-My emotions one by one are slowly being drained, Slowly but surely- I'm starting to feel nothing at all..

It hurts, One by one the people that mean so much to me are leaving. Some walk away, Some I had to let go off, Some I just couldn't keep.. Does the body rule the mind? Or does the mind rule the body? I've learned to hate myself so well. I'm just sorry I'm so worthless. The only thing that comforts me these days is my depression itself because it's the one thing that I'm so sure will never leave..

I'm bleeding my heart away, All alone. I'm not sure if it's the depression, The medication or is it all just me? It's scary, I can't see what's coming next. How did I let myself hurt so much inside? Time doesn't heal wounds, It just makes it more agonizing.. So now I'm left with one question. I don't know what hurts more- Finding out the one thing that has kept you going is now giving up on you, Or knowing you always had a feeling it was going to happen. What was once my life has come crashing down.

So what will count in the end:
The words you said or the state of numbness you put me in?

A heart can only hold in so much sorrow, Sadness and heartbreak-

Before altogether you just give up and stop trying

Watch the rain as heaven cries for us..

31May, Monday, 7.5opm

I'm too tired for all these tears..

Release me

2010-05-15T23:14:00.002+08:00

Just when you think it's rained enough, It starts to pour

Hey readers. I'm on my Twin's bed lying down and posting right now. I'm not sure why either. I guess I'm bored. I've got so much to say but can't find the courage to say here. I'm struggling everyday, And I'm not even sure if it's worth it anymore. Sigh, I'm tired. I think I'll just do an about about yesterday and today? :)

Yesterday, Went to CGC in the morning. Home @ around 3 and HY Sissy was downstairs waiting for us with bubbletea already. Hehe, Love you!!! xxx Went up 2gt, Lazed around in our room. Fell asleep on Mommy's bed cuz I was too tired. Woke up @ around 1830 and went to shower and met Celestial under my blk. Walked to the playground @ 194 and sat there and talked about so much. :)

Celestial had to leave @ 93o, So Felyn and her friend came back to look for her. They cabbed home and I went up an had a light b4 going in. Suddenly she called and told me they were gonna head back cuz for some reason they didn't need to go home early anymore. So ok, Went back down and waited for Lee to come back.

Twin came down and we send HuiYing Sissy to the bus stop and waited for her bus 2gt. HY's bus came, Hugged and then Lee came. Sat under our blk and smoke and burn and tear some abandoned ads that were left there and kena kp by this aunty. Super hilarious!!!

Went up to our lift lobby, Sat there and brought Aiko'bbum out for awhile. Stupid Lee was scared of Aiko and I guess Aiko could sense it so he barked at her, Hahaha! Sat there till 004o then Twin went home while I sent Lee down to flag cab.

Just nice Daddy was at the traffic light and offered to send Lee home, So yeah. Drove her to Hougang and then back to PR. Homed @ o13o. As for today, Spent the wholeeeeeee day at home like boring only. Haha. Oh well. But days spent at home with just Twin and me makes me really happy. Brings back so much happy memories of our younger days together. Really makes me feel better. That safe and secure feeling. Nothing could go wrong cuz we have each other. I love it. :)

Oh well. I should probably end here b4 I start pouring my heart out uncontrollably, Ahahaha. Bye :)

As I sit there on the bathroom floor, I can't cry it out anymore..

Anguish and sorrow

2010-05-15T16:16:00.003+08:00

What happens when every single inch of you, Inside and out, Has a scar?
What happens next?

It hurts to smile

2010-05-12T20:51:00.002+08:00

Slice deep and smile

Haven't been updating cuz' have nothing much to post about. Everyday's the same routine- Get out of bed, Smoke, Go back to bed, Go online, Smoke and repeat repeat *fastforward* go to bed. Get it? Nah. So... I guess I won't update much unless I have something to say or have nothing better to do. Yeap..

So I've been thinking about school.. Maybe I'll go back after CT's? I guess that's the plan, If nothing goes wrong till then.. Yeah. If I don't work for EOYs, I'll have to repeat sec 2. Which I don't want to do, But am putting in no effort to study. Sigh*, Contradicting much.

Recently... I'm not sure if it's the side effects of medicine/not enough sleep/pg side effects or what.. But things have been happening and it really scares me.. Not only me, Ilina too.. I constantly think about 'it' and I'm not gonna say what this 'thing' is because it sounds absolutely crazy and I don't want any biazzare comments or w/e.. Sigh* I just want to know I'll get through this someday.

Recently, A friend that I haven't talked to in ages contacted me again. And just like me, He goes to CGC due to 'depression', He takes pills, Sees doctors and goes thru just so much of what I do too. It comforts me and makes me feel so heartbroken at the same time. Comforted- Because he knows and understands every single thing that I feel and go thru, And heartbroken- Because he feels the pain and goes thru all that I do too..

It really amazed me when he described how he feels everyday exactly the same way I do, And the loneliness, Helplessness, Hopelessness and emptiness that I talk of is how he feels too. The feeling is just incredible. I can't believe that somebody can understand all that I'm going through. And so it's very true, There is no words to describe depression, You can only understand it if you've been through it yourself.

Okay, I better stop here before people start thinking I'm crazy. Bye sweeties. Have a good night. :) I'd better go take my medicine now, Ugh.. Mirror mirror on the wall, Who's the biggest fool of all?

I'll either die from it, Or die with it

It's better if we don't speak at all

2010-05-11T16:21:00.002+08:00

Piece by piece it falls apart
Most of my soul and all of my heart

There's a girl in my mirror, I wonder who she is
-

Sometimes I think I know her, Sometimes I really wish I did
There's a story in her eyes of lullabies and goodbyes-
When she's looking back at me, I can tell her heart is broken easily

So much is happening and I'm fucking losing my head. I can't take this anymore. I thought I could do this but the blade I'm holding proved me wrong again. I don't know why I wake up everyday to get thrown right back into one of my worst nightmares. If you can't find yourself in the mirror, Where else can you look?

Crying won't heal my soul

Slipping, Fading faster

2010-05-09T22:52:00.002+08:00

If time should make a change, Then why do I feel the same?

Quick update. Actually nothing much to update about too. My blog must be getting really boring. *Yawns. Oh well. Here goes. Spent the day at home again. Was supposed to go to ahmah's house but stayed home in the end cuz Twin didn't want to go and so I accompanied her and stayed at home. Again used the computer for most of the day and then went out to buy cig with Twin and walked Aiko bbum at the same time.

Sat at the playground and had a light and let Aiko rest. Walked back home after that. Play some hidden object game with Twin, ahahaha. Did so for pretty much the rest of the day.. Really boring. Not schooling for the whole of next week either. So yeap, I'll be nua-ing at home like mad crazy. Keep complaining about staying at home but I have totally no mood to go out either.. So.. Yeap.

Okay, I shall make this the last paragraph of my post!!! Bye readers. I pray for a smooth and easy night 2night! I want to sleep, I'm so tired. Sigh*

And sometimes even giving up is not an option..

I'll try but I don't know..

2010-05-09T00:20:00.004+08:00

No one can see the emptiness in my eyes..

Today was wasted away like every other day. Kept awake all night by my thoughts.. Fell asleep @ 12pm all the way to 3. Woke up, Went online and that was all I did for the rest of the day besides smoke or watch TV. I'm farming mushrooms on my head, I swear.

Seriously what's up with my sleeping problem man.. The doctor wanted to give me some sorta' tranquilizers to 'put me to sleep' at night when I went to CGC on Thursday. Sounds kinda freaky eh, Ahaha. Kinda freaked me out so he told me he'd give me a cold pill to add on with my 3 other anti depressants/prozac + sleeping pills and see if that would do the trick. But y'know I'm really starting to wonder if it's supposed to put me to sleep or keep me awake. The effects are the total opposite of what it's supposed to be. And this cycle is really waring me out. Lately, I've been feeling so drained.

So my next appointment to CGC is on Monday, I think? And I always start to panic for it a few days- Even weeks earlier. It's just gets really scary when the days seem to past by so fast- Even when I'm awake all night. I don't get myself either, What is it that I'm so afraid of..? I could give so many people the answers they wanted if I knew them myself. I'm so used to it, I have to cry myself to sleep.

It's terrible. Does anybody else knows how it feels? To be on the edge of your bed with your head buried in your hands- Tears running down your face, And wishing it would all just come to an end.. The tears, The 'depression'.. It's all lurking below the surface..

I wish I knew how to 'get better', I really wish I knew.

I see it there vividly scarred on my wrist- I remember when I did it and why..
Just that memory alone, It made me cry.

I'm too tired for all these tears..

Love me when you can

2010-05-08T04:31:00.000+08:00

I'm tired of pretending, Waking up everyday and faking..

4:31AM, Why am I still awake?
Soon there will be nothing left of me

..

Dismay

2010-05-06T23:33:00.003+08:00

Now who will free me from this fright?

Had a absolutely painfully long day. Quick update, Tears are falling from my eyes like rain. Didn't get any sleep at all last night. Was kept up all night with these horrid thoughts in my mind replaying like hell. Does anyone else feel alone? Went for smoke breaks when I needed to and then went back to lay in bed again. On and on.

Got ready to go CGC @ 11, Got out of bed and went to shower. Changed and then Daddy drove us to Mommy's office and then to CGC. Fell asleep in the car and when we reached couldn't get up.. So Daddy let us sleep for a little longer as we were kinda early.

Mommy went to register first, And dragged my exhausted body out of the car and went up to the clinic.. Waited for awhile and Doc. Ong came out to get me. The confusion sets in before the doctor can even close the door. Was being examined by 4 other doctor/psychologist/therapist to be's and it was so terrifying. Kept shaking and biting my lip and went absolutely quiet everytime the doctor tried to talk to me. I'm tripping over my own pieces. Doctor asked me to show him my scars, And I almost broke down that moment. Give me strength to heal..

Finally got out and I could breathe again. Doctor told me to get Ilina and I was so afraid for her too.. Waited outside and finally Ilina came out. Daddy and Mummy went in and Ilina and I were sitting there cold, Empty and all too lonely. I guessed she was as confused and afraid as I was.

Finally after so long Daddy and Mummy came out, Went to get medicine. Great, More pills. Just what I need. So now I'm taking 4 pills a day. Total killer. The numbness and the emptiness that takes over is just.. Overwhelming. This is too painful.

Daddy dropped us off at a bus stop as he was damn late for work. Took 81 home and throughout the whole way I was trying to make out this, and that and this.. Still don't know where I belong.
Reached our stop, Alighted and had a light while Mommy went to get some groceries. Waited for her and then went home..

Earlier I was smoking in the toilet and Mummy was outside screaming her head off at me saying why I had to be like this, Because she saw me bleeding.. It's official I feel completely hopeless. I'm sorry Mommy, You didn't fail. I did. I'm sorry I'm like this, I'm sorry. That's all I can say anymore. What if being me isn't a choice?
G'night.. x

Everyday, A little piece of me is taken away and destroyed

Another morning without you

2010-05-05T21:18:00.002+08:00

Forgive me if I break

Today was alot like yesterday, Nua @ home, Literally stayed in bed for the whole day except leaving bed for smoke breaks. Didn't go school again, And I swear I'm starting to grow mushrooms on my head!!! :( I'm super hooked onto kids games online, HAHAHA. Somehow I find it super fun lah!!! Makes staying at home more bearable. Ahaha.

Tomorrow got another appointment @ CGC.. Sigh* I'm so tired of sitting in that room listening to them tell me what's wrong with me. Why can't I be normal too? I swear I'm trying... I tried so hard and pushed so far, But why do I feel so torn apart.. It's been so long and I feel so lost.

Alright, I'll end off here. Nothing more to say plus if I go on I'm just gonna make myself feel even more miserable. Bye.

Time perished the last hope I'll ever have

If time should make a change

2010-05-05T02:39:00.000+08:00

Do you still think of me, Like I think about you-
Do you still dream of me, 'Cuz I can't sleep without you..

I want to see you again, It hurt so much to say no. But I can't go through loosing you again, It was painful enough the first time.. It's 2:39am on my clock now. Everyone's asleep. Why is it I'm always kept awake at night though I'm so damn exhausted. I hate it. I even took another pill @ 11 cause I wanted to have a good night's sleep.. I'm so tired.

I feel so empty. In the past, I'd have people to text when I'm up at this hour.. I'd have people to keep me going when the temptation to pg/smoke gets too much to bear but now, I have only myself.. Some cruel twist of fate meant I had to stand and watch you fade away.. Still, I always tell myself to keep on going but I'm starting to lose count of how many times people have said "It will get better", I've gone thru this long enough to know that it won't. I'm tired of hoping and trying.. It has never got me anywhere.. I'm getting used to an overwhelming, Grinding mixture of pain and helplessness.

But something is still holding me up. I don't know what it is... I just hope that it stays for a while longer.. The light at the end of the tunnel is fading fast. I'm breaking down and everything is slowly fading. Sigh*, I should probably end of here. G'night world, G'night guys..

Another sleepless night turning black and white

The day you slipped away

2010-05-04T22:36:00.010+08:00

You were my reason for breathing

Ok, Today was rather boring. So spent most of the day at home, Wake up @ 2 due to the sleeping pill I took @ 3am cuz again, I couldn't sleep. Sigh* Yeap, Didn't go to school again. It's been like 3 weeks and a day. Went out and Daddy was home. Bella came home while I was eating. So she settled down and had lunch with me at the table. Twin was asleep infront of the computer on her bed. Ahahaha.

Went online and that was all I did for the few hours that passed me by. B-oring~ Afterwhich I Fell asleep till 6 woke up @ 7.3o, And at 8 showered and went down to meet Twin, Reuben and Nazurah. Twin brought Aiko down and sat down at the table and smoke while waiting for Nazurah and Reuben. They reached after awhile. Sat there for a little bit and then went to buy cig.

Went to a playground and lay down at the edge of the slide and watched the sky. Left @ 9+, Twin and me went home while Reuben went to Loyang Point to do stuff. So that's it! My boring day :) Ahaha. Ok, Not going to school tomorrow either. Bye world + readers!!! :*

There's no time left and I just have to move on..

It gets so hard to walk away

2010-05-03T21:56:00.002+08:00

Happiness is only skin deep

Just came home awhile ago, Had my bath and it feels awesome. So got woke up @ 1 by my dad. Was dead tired and couldn't get up. Got really annoyed cuz he kept shouting at me to waaaaaaaake up >: Finally got up and went for a cold shower. Afterwhich rushed to dry my hair and change and headed to CGC with Bella, Ilina and Mummy. Not going to elaborate what happened there. Plain old usuals, Sigh*

Ended @ around 4, So Daddy drove us to IP to get our haircut and everything. Had a light, Then after getting stuff to eat went to the salon. Was laughing with Bella about this guy that kept following me around the salon insisting on cutting my hair and I was like freaked out. But noooooooo! I will only let Karen touch my hair! :x Ahahaha!

So Ilina went first, Then it was me, And then my Mommy. We always go there and look for the same hairdresser because she's knows my hair style and I'm always very picky about how much they cut off my hair so yeap, Only she knows. :P So everytime we walk in the salon, The other hairdressers will automatically go "Karen~" Haha, So after we were all done, Went to watsons and again got Mommy to pay for my foundation and everything else.

Ate @ BurgerKing where all of us got high after drinking our coke and all of us kept doing stupid stuff and would end up laughing till we all gasped for air. Daddy couldn't fetch us as he was busy so took a cab back home. Reached home and had a puff.

Thinking if I should attend school tomorrow. HuiYing's sick, So I'm not sure if she's going. And Mommy, Told me I didn't have to go if HuiYing isn't cuz she knows how I am. I love you Mommy :* Sigh, Alright. Wait for my update tomorrow.
*Cross fingers

My fate on the line staring at me with blank eyes

I know you can't stay

2010-05-03T01:09:00.003+08:00

Life isn't passing me by, It's trying to run me over

Currently watching TV with mommy! Is it just me or is everyone else as confused with the funny channels as I am? I rather they just stick with the 2 digit channels! Now it's all 3 digit and plain confusing. Ugh :( Makes me lazy to even watch TV cuz I don't wanna waste time making out which channel is which! Ahahaha.

So today was spent mostly with HuiYing, And then in the evening, My family. Woke up at around 1, And lazed in bed till about 3 when Ilina, HuiYing and me finally went out for lunch. Haha! Sat around for a little bit, And then dearest HuiYing wasn't feeling too well so she headed home @ around 5. Daddy had plans on bringing all of us out at 6, So thank god she magically felt better once she reached sengkang! I think it's the pasir ris flu buggggg! So she cabbed over again and Daddy went to fetch my cousins and aunty and drove all of us to Marina Sands.

Crossed some helix bridge. Really beautiful, The lights that hang all over it. If only it was less crowded, It would really be more peaceful loh. >: So walk walk here and there and finally Daddy came to get us and brought us to have our dinner. Mummy was so adorable lah, Once we reached the kopitiam she told us quick go 'toilet' cause I was complaining to her I needed to smoke! Hahaha, I love mommy ♥ Ehehe.

After that Daddy drove HY home first followed by my cousins. Homed @ 11. Posting now. Mummy wants to stay up till 2 to watch her 'Vampire' show! Totally made me laugh when she told me. Okkkkk, Shall stop here. Nothing more to say anyway. And thank god it's labour day tomorrow! For once I don't have to feel guilty about not attending school. *Sigh. Bye~

Burn, Fall, Crawl, Break
And smile through it all

Together at the top

2010-05-01T22:58:00.004+08:00

Waking up is the hardest part

Just got home, But today though with HuiYing too! :) Ahaha, Yeap. She's again sleeping at our place 2night. So today, Met HuiYing @ 6, My dearest bought my cupwalker all the way from Sengkang ♥ Super sweet of her. Sat under my blk and had a light b4 heading to 194. Got my cigarettes and then sat @ the badminton court together and had an awesome time talking with my dears.

Soon after that Celestial and Felyn arrived in a cab and I have bloody no idea how the hell they got lost! So walked around rather aimlessly trying to look for them and finally did awhile later. Went back to meet Ilina and HuiYing and sat there disiaoing Ilina like fuckmad. Super funny lah! Ahaha. Bella Sissy came to meet us on her way back home from church.

Celestial and Felyn went to 7/eleven and came back with snacks and drinks. Thanks lee~ Twin and HuiYing went home to bring Aiko'bbum down. And this ridiculous Celestial Lee was afraid of him! Like wtfffffffff! Afraid of dogs I can understand lah, But AIKO?!?! That's plain ridiculous! Ahahaha. Bbum got tired after running about for a little bit. Super adorable~ :*!!!

Left the court @ 223o and headed home as we promised Mummy we would do so, So that HuiYing could spend the night. Ahaha. Posting now. I'll be like a loner sleeping alone tonight. Sigh* Bella, Twin and HuiYing shifted their beds to the study so they wouldn't disturb big sister. So yeap, I'm stuck here as there's no more space for me! Awesome much! Ahaha, Alright alright. I shall stop here and go join them in the air con room~ Bye.

Bleed through your skin what you can't bleed through your heart

Deep and meaningless

2010-05-01T01:45:00.002+08:00

I am the worst thing that has ever happened to me

I'll try but I don't know..

2010-04-30T23:22:00.002+08:00

Depression is the mind's way of expressing helplessness

Updating only for the sake of it. Really moodless right now, So here's a quick and short update. Nothing happened today, Nua @ home for the whole damn day. EH and HuiYing Sissy came over today. Missed them both sooo much! ♥ EH Sissy left at around 7, While HuiYing left not long ago. :) Okaaaaaay, That's kinda it for today..

I don't know what to say, I don't know what to say anymore- Cause it's all been said before. The pain just got too much to handle.. Really exhausted now I feel so drained... Only fell asleep @ 7 in the morning last night and woke up at 1. I don't know how to go on with life with the way it is anymore.. Breathing hurts. Goodnight world x.

I'm so afraid of what tomorrow holds

Your faith is all it takes

2010-04-30T00:52:00.002+08:00

Happy birthday my dearest ever Chia HuiYing ♥
Fear can't shake our faith

Hey, Today was absolutely amazing. :) Shall update quickly! So, Didn't attend school today and haven't been doing for 3 weeks already. Ahahaha. Pulled myself out of bed @ 11 and had a cold shower before waking Ilina up. After getting ready got Daddy to send us to WS and bought/reserved everything we needed and headed home after a few hours. Nearly fell asleep again, But Bella came home from school and asked me to go opposite with her to get last minute stuff. So went over got the stuff and came back. Showered, Got ready and all and Bella and Ilina went to WS to collect the stuffs while HY and I went over to PR park first. She had no idea what the plans were yet.

So, Bused to WS and walked into PR park slowly with HY. Took our own sweet time as Bella and Ilina were taking f-o-r-e-v-er to reach. Ahaha, So sat at the top of the "hill" and sat on the rocks where we were before with them.. Took pix and stupid videos with HY and then walked over to the breakwaters after awhile. Sat there and waited for Bella and Ilina. Finally they reached and so got HY blindfolded and made her listen to the recording we prepared earlier thru her earpiece so she couldn't hear us.

Rushed to get the 7 red heartshaped super chio balloons in place, As well as the cake and got the three slips of paper we prepared earlier each labeled respectively with "Happy :D", "Birthday!", "HuiYing♥" attached to the back of our shirts with safety pins and shouted "OKAY" really loud so she could hear us. And when she turned around and saw everything she was so adorable!!! She kept laughing and smiled so wide and said "OMG you guys look like idiots HAHAHAH!!!" Super adorable lah!!! Hahahaha. She then gave us hugs. So we settled down on the breakwaters and ate our cakes just the way we did on christmas. Totally butterfly! :) Hahaha, Had so much fun. After which we wrote down our wishes and put them in small glass bottles we bought and sealed them up and threw them into the sea. Watched as the currents took them away and the feeling was.... Really amazing. :') Ahaha, After that watched as HuiYing set of 3 helium balloons as she made wishes and attached them to each of them. There was supposed to be 5 but this dummy Ilina popped them with her cigarette accidently while taking pix, Hahahaha! Watched as they faded away into the sky.

Sat there for a little bit longer before we decided to leave the park to head for Tampines to have dinner @ Ding Tai Fung! :) The place with awesome Xiao Long Pau's!!!! Ahahaha, Well for us at least! All of us had fried rice with an extra dish which was Hainanese drunken chicken or something like that which HuiYing told us was awesome! Well in fact it was! We left the restaurant god damn full and headed to the arcade. Played HOD4 and the photohunt game and then when we reached a really hard level I couldn't help but suddenly say "This is only something JJ can do lah!!!!" Sigh* Left the arcade after awhile and when leaving TM we had to see them. Fate quit playing with me.. Took the train back and when we already tapped in we all stopped in our tracks to look back and all of us were subconciously saying "Come on lets go lets go" when we were all just staring back waiting to see if they were looking for us too.. I felt like my heart was dropped from the highest building in the world. Took the train back to PR and bused back to our blk. Had a puff while Bella went up to get HuiYing's present down. Passed it to her and I felt so good to see her smile again. :')

Waited for Sissy's bus with her and hugged before going up when her bus arrived. Aiko babybum was so happy to see us and kissed us for many many times when we went home. Mummy was telling us earlier that Aiko kept going into our room and barking at our beds before running out to mummy as if asking her to follow him and when she did, He would bring her to our beds and bark at it and then look back at her as if asking her where were we? Hahaha, Such a cute baby I have. Babybum, Mummy is so glad I have you. I can't believe I'm actually writing it here even though you'll never see this but Mummy loves you so. Really really do more than anything in the world!!! :* Love you pumpkin. x

So now only Ilina and I are up, Feels really lonely. Sigh*, There's never a happy moment without a sad one on it's way. I wonder how much more I can take before I really break.. I'm not getting anywhere. Do you know what it's like to be all alone, When all you can do is wait by the phone hoping somebody will come and save you and then you realize you have to save yourself..? Is it possible to stop living while you're still alive? To lose yourself in confusion, To get caught up in your own pretense? Tell me it'll be alright, That everything will work out and that I'll see you again..
Goodnight readers, x
This is as quiet as it gets

Did I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life...?

Devastated

2010-04-28T21:36:00.003+08:00

The rain pours down, As my heart crashes to the ground..

Oh man, Today was hell of a hectic day. Firstly, If you knew I had a lovebird, It kinda flew out of the window. Yeap. You heard me right. It flew out of the window while Ilina and I fell asleep. Woke up cuz Daddy and Mummy came home @ 12 shouting "Where's Isla?!?!?!" in a craze. If you know about what happened previously with Aiko, I don't get why this has to always happen to me. So apparently, All the blame was on me. You see, Isla is a very territorial bird, Which means he is a very, Very protective and angry bird when it comes to his cage. The only person that is able to get Isla out of the cage without getting bitten like some !@#$%^&*( is my big sister who is the only person that can tolerate Isla and she loves him like he's still a little baby because since he's grown up, He's been a absolutely horrible bird.

Ok so, Isla is a small bird which doesn't even need a cage as big as he has. So when he wants to come out, He walks from left to right left to right left to(........) yeah you get it, Which my whole family refers to as THE "egyptian", So usually anyone in the family that sees that would help Isla open the door at his cage, So that he can move about outside his cage as well, (He has a play gym on the top of his cage). So yeap, I did it! I opened the cage which was at the living room, And went into my room to use the computer. I didn't get any sleep at all and was dead exhausted, So I guess that's how I fell asleep in the midst of using the computer. And so..... Isla kinda succeeded with his plan of flying out of the house! Great. Just great.

Well, He only got through with 5o%, Or maybe 3o% cause obviously he has a pea brain, And just stayed around flying about our area. I don't know how Ilina and I missed him when we went down to look around for him (a dozen million times!!!) but it was only when my dad drove my big sister all the way back from Ngee Ann poly did this stupid bird make his appearing act!!
From the 9th storey of my house, Ilina and I were having a light and looking down at my dad and big sister that was circling our blk and around looking for it, When all of a sudden we saw a yellow-omfg-looks-like-isla-you-think-so?-no-yes-it-is! bird! At the sight of my baby, I screamed like hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was so bloody flustered I couldn't even think of what I should do next! So I ran around the house looking for one phone @_@ Like baichi only right, Hahahah! So I finally found a phone and called my dad shouting into the phone "ISLA ISLA ISLA ON A TREEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!" K you get the picture, Finally I managed to direct my dad from upstairs.

Ran down with Isla's sunflower seeds and his frickin' huge cage, And went to the tree Isla was comfortably settled down on! My dad got a ladder and amazingly, My big sister was really calm at that point. I was the one in hysteria, Hahahah! Ran up again to get a long cane as the ladder wasn't long enough to get my Daddy to reach Isla. Finally after damn long and buckets of sweat, Isla came down. He was so glad to see my big sister and the first thing he did was jump onto her shoulder. Was really relieved and I silently made a promise never to mistreat Isla anymore *cross fingers* Ahahaha. Yeap, So that was our super drama filled event! Daddy drove big sister back in a hurry cuz big sister still had many more lectures going on. Brought Isla and his cage back up home and locked him in for the rest of the day. Fell asleep, Woke up and fell asleep again. Kinda just got up to do this post. Really don't know how I'm going to sleep tonight. Sigh.

So also, I'm still deciding about whether I should attend school tomorrow or not. It is also my dearest HuiYing Sissy's birthday which we are going to celebrate, Just the four of us. :) Sigh, So much I wish I could say too.... But I'll end off here. Bye. :)

Part of me is fighting this, But part of me is gone..

Please remember

2010-04-28T03:07:00.000+08:00

I get so tired of listening to the sound of my own falling tears

It's 2am exact on my clock now.
I'm exhausted. I really am, Yet just like every other night I can't seem to fall asleep. Just imagine that. Lying in bed for hours watching the sky get darker and then brighter than anything. Why do the early hours always feel the loneliest? Sigh* Everyone else is deeply asleep and my heart melts at the sight of how Ilina and Bella are sleeping. Bella is holding onto Ilina's hand, Like she would if she was awake. I'm not sure how to explain it, But it really touches me. Really does.

My insomnia has been going on for months now and it's no joke. It keeps me awake till half way through the next day every night no matter how exhausted I am, Sometimes even till the afternoon of the next day. Even the medication doesn't work well on me, My sleeping pills seem to take no effect as well as my anti-depressants/prozac for my depression.. Sigh*, I guess it's true when they say I think too much. I had no clue of why I can't sleep previously but I do now. I hate to admit it, I can't stop thinking back. Most of the time, I would stop right here. I always have so much to say and so much to pour out but never do. At least not here. But I'm going to do it now, Because I really have nothing left to lose.

You know, There comes a point in our lives when things get too much to bare, And when that point hits, It hits hard. Recently I just lost the three most important people in my life. I regret more than I admit but I really have no one else to blame but me. All we have left of each other are just memories and it scares me so much I can hardly breathe.. What you're thinking now is the complete opposite of what really happened. I chose to leave. We chose to leave. Bella, Ilina, HuiYing and myself. Sounds silly doesn't it? How can I say I miss you when I'm the one that took off? I don't know if anyone would ever understand this but I only did it because I loved them. Because I could no longer bare hurting them, disappointing them and letting them take responsibility for my wrong actions. It was too painful. What if being me wasn't a choice? I'm sorry I made it so impossible to love me. What I put you through was something no one else would be able to bear and I'm so sorry I took off and gave up just like that and wasted all your efforts to keep me together all these while.. Here I stand all alone tonight, Wishing I had the strength to live without you in my life.

To be left behind or to leave behind.. I wonder which hurts more. I know now to you guys I don't matter any more, We don't matter anymore. But honestly I'd really rather you hate me till it doesn't hurt one bit at all, Because you guys are so amazing and so precious I would never want to have you feel hurt.. I'm sorry that the times you spent with us had to be so difficult and goodbye had to be such a painful one for us. I will not allow myself to get anymore selfish than this, I will not hold you back. You guys are so much more than you allow yourselves to be you know? :') It is true, Life is easier when you have people to depend on all the time. I just have to say thank you for all the days we spent together, It was more than I could ever ask for and it was truly the most amazing times in our lives. I love our memories and they will always mean the world to me. I've learned that the past is a beautiful place, Unless you allow yourself to be it's prisoner. I miss you guys more and more each day but I'll always think of y'all and smile, And be happy for the times I had you with me. Still, My heart aches as I whisper real low, I love you I need you I miss you so...

Time's winding down, And I can't stand knowing I may never speak to you again. I feel like I owe you everything, Because you were there when I had nothing.. Ever has it been that love knows not it's own depth until the hour of separation.. There's a danger in loving someone too much, And it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.

And also, Before I end off I need to say thank you to the 4 people that keeps me holding on.
Bella, Ilina, HuiYing, EeHwee:
Change can be good or bad, It depends on how you accept it.
I love you guys, I want to say so much but you and I know words are nothing when it comes to the love we have for each other.
Thank you for standing by me through everything,
Just know my heart, It beats for you.
Your love GMH, ♥

Alden, JunJie, ZhiAn:
For the past hour I've been sitting here typing, Backspacing, Writing, Erasing, Editing, Revising, Scratching.
I just want you to know that pouring your heart out isn't all that easy.. I understand all your difficulties and I will not make things any harder for you guys. Sometimes I wonder if this was how we were supposed to end up.. :') How do you say goodbye to someone you put in everything for? Losing you was losing me, In reality..
I'll be right where you left me.
Goodnight guys, I love you always..

"Hope", "Faith", And "Irina" are shining tonight. :')
Without your love I will fade away..

So you'll take the smiles for all of our days, I'll take the tears.

Another shot of whisky

2010-04-27T18:01:00.002+08:00

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go....

Again, Spent the day at home rotting away.
Sleeping shouldn't be something I try so hard to do every night should it?!
Oh god, Save my soul.
Heard from Ilina and Bella I kinda sleep talked in the midst of my sleep and said out stuff that I would've never admitted in my waking hours.
Ahahaha.
Owell..
Although I told people I would be going to sch tomorrow, I'm not so sure myself.
Sigh*
I'm not ready to do anything I used to have courage and hope for anymore..
It's these days I want to crawl up and just... hide.

Loneliness up ahead, Emptiness behind:
Where do I go from here?

If you could feel a minute of what I feel everyday,
You would understand my tears..

Break the silence, I can't bear it anymore.

Struggling for every single breath

2010-04-26T23:53:00.002+08:00

It hurts to breathe,
Knowing that every time I do it makes my heart beat without you

Basically, Spent the whole damn day nua at home today.
Not going to school tomorrow either, Most probably.
Not much to say leh, Hahaha.
On fb now. :)
Bye.

Maybe making me bleed, Could be the answer that could wash the slate clean..

You never realize how much every little thing meant until it's gone,
And you know it's never coming back..

Goodnight

2010-04-26T01:58:00.002+08:00

This is our last goodbye, It's over-
But just hear this and then I'll go;
You gave me more to live for then you'll ever know...

I can't believe I destroyed the one good thing that happened in my life..

I don't know who will kill me first, Myself or the person I'm dying to be..?

It hurts looking at our photographs, We seemed so happy........

I can hardly breathe, You no longer need me......

I don't want to end up in your rear view

2010-04-25T23:06:00.002+08:00

Some nightmares don't end once you open your eyes..

Just got home awhile ago,
Here to update about today's events.
So, Was having a rough night the previous night and the last time I checked it was 5:57am before I fell asleep I'm not sure how long after that.
God damn shag.
Woke up at around 11 and nua at home all the way till 6..
Mummy knew all of us were crushed and brought us out for a awesome treat to dinner.
Called HuiYing up and had a light downstairs while waiting for her to reach.
So Mummy, Big sister, HuiYing, Ilina, Bella and me took a bus ride down memory lane all the way to changi airport.
Reached and the oh so familiar sight brought me to tears as memories flashed before my eyes.
Brushed them away and walked in the glass doors remembering how it was like just a few weeks back...
It's so cold alone.
Everytime each of us opened up to talk, It would always have something to do with them.
God. Damn. Painful.
Found our way to Swensens and the queue was sibeh long hahaha.
After awhile got to our seats and then we just couldn't help but start talking about them again, hahaha.
Really dumb and we kept reminding each other to stop it when we started on them each time...
The truth is I'm not that strong, And nobody knows it but me..
All of us were daaaaaaamn full even before desert was served, Hahaha.
HuiYing, Bella, Ilina and I went to the toilet and mummy paid the bill and came to look for us.
Went to Candy Empire and bought chocolates..
Sat at the fountain and it brought back so many memories.
For a moment I could breathe again.. :')
Took the skytrain(...) to t3 after that, Walked around for a little bit before finding our way to the bus inter and 53/ed home.
Smoke and waited for HY's bus with her and went up after that.
Tonight I'm gone in misery, I don't really care at all not answering my phone..
Not going to school, Not going to face anybody I can't, Not going to do anything I'm not feeling up to.
I can't feel myself anymore..
It hurts, When you think of life as a game who or what will you lose next?
I'm running out of emotions to feel, I've already felt too much..
I've already lost too much.
Goodnight world.
Please just let me off tonight, Please....

I'm alone now
It's just me and all I stood for

Maybe the second time around is not meant for us

2010-04-25T03:13:00.001+08:00

Crying won't heal my soul

Crying for direction

2010-04-25T00:22:00.002+08:00

The saddest thing in the world is loving someone who used to love you....

Cold hearts

2010-04-24T23:31:00.001+08:00

I'm trying to keep it together, But I'm falling apart..

Just got home,
Feels horrible to be semi-drunk.
I know what's happening and what I'm saying but can't am in no control of anything.
Damn shag now, Really tired but I won't be able to rest until I pour all my heart out.
Feel like throwing up terribly.
Everything has come to it's end..
This is where it ends..
Started with you and it ended with me..
It's so cold alone.
My sunshine turned to rain...
Today, My world slipped away.
Crying silently, I feel as hollow as your eyes..
I never thought it would be this hard to let go of something you never really had..
I'm holding on, Onto things I know I can't keep...
But if you're happy, I'll get through somehow..

Words hurt more when they're coming from someone you love..

I can feel your eyes go through me, Like I was never part of your life..

Trying to piece together the last piece of hope I have left........

Before you go

2010-04-24T19:12:00.002+08:00

I claimed you as my only hope and watched the floor as you retreated...
Completely broken down into pieces with nothing left to lose

I'll bite my lip until it bleeds but I refuse to cry again..

Feel nothing at all

2010-04-24T13:18:00.003+08:00

I no longer know how I can keep going on with life the way it is

Pain is a price we must all pay.
Why have I again let someone prove I'm not good enough..?
Sigh*
Do you ever feel like you're getting better,
Becoming less sad and overwhelmed and then you get dragged down by the same thing every time?
What's the point in trying to be happy when the very pursuit of happiness is what makes you miserable?
It's all downhill from here...

I think you're finally realizing that I'm not worth it..

Bella, Ilina, HuiYing:
Thank god it was you who found me lying here,
Face down in the mirror doing my best attempt to disappear...
Your love GMH every time

You have to stand for something, Or you will fall for anything..

Better in time

2010-04-24T00:08:00.005+08:00

Shoot me

I don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering what went wrong between us

Before I start on my daily post,
I must first tell the 3 most important people in my life that I love them so.
Bella Sim, Ilina Sim, And Chia HuiYing.
Spent the day together today, It was amazing.
I never thought I could live one day without them but you proved me wrong.. :')
I know I will never be alone with my sisters around.
We're gonna fight until, Our souls don't search no more..
Your love GMH. x

I'm not strong enough to hold on anymore..
As mentioned above, Spent the day with my lovelies at DTE.
Ate @ NYNY and tried all our best to keep together.
I guess in someway we made it. :')
After that headed to CP and had our lights while thinking of where to go next.
Walked about for a little and took pix, Finally decided on catching a movie.
Caught bounty hunter.
Awesome show, 5/5!
Sweet max ending~
After that headed to carpark for a light.
There were so many people smoking there and when mata came to patrol the crowd cleared immediately.
Haha, Ought to thank my lovelies for such a awesome day out.
We made it my dears.
We made it.
Love you always, xx

And you know what, Regarding everything that has happened-
I'm totally speechless.
But it all don't matter now, Cause you threw our love away.
What can I say?
Really, What can I say?
All that begins shall end.
Nothing could be worth this pain.
Ironically, The person you love the most has the greatest potential to hurt you.
Maybe we could get through it, And that's all we can ask for now.

I wake up to realize my standard of living somehow got stuck on 'survive'

Goodnight world..
But in the end, You lose either way.

If who I am is what I have and what I have is lost, Who am I?

Starts with goodbye

2010-04-23T14:26:00.003+08:00

I wonder how they can say:
"It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all"
I wished I never loved at all...

Empty

2010-04-23T13:59:00.002+08:00

Why do those who love always come out the worse?

Couldn't get to sleep at all last night.
What about today?
What if this feeling never goes away?
Today it'll just be the four of us again: Bella, Ilina, HuiYing & me.
We're gonna make it.
Sometimes, You have to let go of something to see if there's anything there to hold on to.
Sometimes, Goodbye is a painful way to say I love you..
I've cried myself dry.
I don't think I can handle this..

I feel the cold metal hit my skin,
I run it across my wrist again.

Life goes on,
Whether you're ready for it or not.

I'm fighting a battle that's been lost for too long..

Never again

2010-04-23T06:44:00.000+08:00

When all the tears have dried, And all smiles have faded-
I'm what's left..

The pain has finally broke me

I guess now it's time for me to give up..

If we ever meet again

2010-04-21T21:26:00.003+08:00

How can you crave to be alone and yet alone is the only thing you ever feel?

Feeling horribly miserable now.
Don't feel like going to school tomorrow either.
Surprisingly school has stopped calling my mum when I'm not in school.
Good opportunity? Haha.
Sigh*
I don't know how to go on with life like that anymore..
Bye.

Breathe in, Bleed out

Misery

2010-04-21T11:31:00.002+08:00

Smile- It's easier than to explain why you're crying

Just got up awhile ago.
Still feel exhausted, Only managed to fall asleep @ 444..
Didn't go to school today, Was really too tired.
Sigh*
It's amazing how you can keep so much bottled up inside and walk around with no one knowing it.
Things change..
Bye.

What's quitting when you've already lost?

Cry me out

2010-04-20T22:47:00.003+08:00

The truth is, I'm so scared of what might happen if things get any worse..

You gave me a reason

2010-04-20T21:44:00.002+08:00

Tears and sorrow fill my tomorrow

Quick update.
Really not in the mood to post or even do anything I used to enjoy anymore.
Sigh*
Damn exhausted in the morning.
Daddy drove Bella & I to school, Went in sat in the canteen for 1o mins b4 we decided to skip school together.
Sat at a void deck to think twice about it before taking 1o9 back to PR.
Alighted @ Loyang Point and bought a drink and sat in macs.
Fell asleep there while Bella did her own stuff.
Woke up after a hour and went out to walk.
Was freezing so went out of macs to walk around and get some air.
Twin came to meet us after awhile and went back to macs and had breakfast 2gt xx
After sitting there for a few hours, Waited 2o mins for bus @ the bus stop and went home.
Fell asleep instantly from 11-3..
Damn exhausted.
Having such a hard time sleeping everynight, Stay awake till 3 or 4 and wake up @ 5 for school.
Damn tiring cycle.....
Sigh*
Eyes getting heavy already, This is torture.
Bye.

For a moment I could breathe again..

Even though you're far away from me

2010-04-19T20:58:00.003+08:00

Why do I always find myself begging you to stop hurting me?

The worst thing about being lied to is knowing you weren't worth the truth.
Hey lovelies.
Quick update as I wanna get back to my game, Haha!
Damn addicted to online games now, No idea why!
I'm too bored.
So anyway, Went to school today.
Struggled to stay awake but fell asleep countless times, Bit my tongue when I wanted to shout at the teacher and stayed in school for the whole day.
Amazing much, Haha!
Had recess with HuiYing, ShiYing & Lessy~
No idea why Leow chose to catch Les and ShiYing's socks and not mine when mine was almost the same length.
Rofl :x
After school got Daddy to pick me up as I was god damn exhausted.
Reached home, Fell asleep instantly.
Woke up a few hours back and online till now.
Alright, I'll end here now.
Bye.
Wish me luck for tomorrow.

My heart tears up more and more
I just pray that when I break your heart just this once,
It won't hurt nearly as much as the times you broke mine..

Bleed

2010-04-18T22:09:00.002+08:00

If you can't breathe, Bleed

Stay

2010-04-18T21:57:00.003+08:00

Just let me be angry, Please..
It's the only way I can keep from showing you how much I need you..

Let me go.
I'm too weak to walk away-
So please, Just let me go..

Thoughts of you run through my mind like suicide..

Here we go again

2010-04-18T18:41:00.002+08:00

What have I got to lose?

Sigh*
School tomorrow.
Got to return to school already.
Already self proclaimed my holiday last week, Hahaha.
Had a talk with Daddy and Mummy today.
Settled things a little..
Owell..
Nua @ home for the whole day playing games with Ilina and Bella.
Some of them were seriously dumb but had such a good time laughing our heads off 2gt, Haha.
So.. Nothing much to post about. :)
Shall end here, Bye.

And heaven knows I'm not that girl..

Everywhere I go

2010-04-18T00:30:00.003+08:00

How can something that's not there hurt so bad?
Life has got me on my knees, Begging for someone to answer me.......

Story of my life: I am so self-destructive,
I turn solutions into problems,
Everything I touch- I ruin..

Everyone says that time heals all wounds,
But all time does for me is turn them into scars..?

I can't explain how this 'thing' inside of me eats at me from the inside out..
I cut to feel the pain, But what happens when even the pain leaves me?
I'm so scared that one day I'll become completely worthless......

I'm dying so slowly to even catch a thing

You are right, I'm not worth it.

I'm sorry.
If I don't kill the pain the pain will kill me.

The pain will start a riot in me

Time passes and leaves everything unsolved

2010-04-17T23:39:00.002+08:00

Beg my broken heart to beat faster

I was so caught up in playing game trials I forgot the time. :x
Haha.
I'll update now :)
So today was spent with my dearest HuiYing.
Solo date with her ah, Haha.
Stood at the top of the carpark drunk and drenched with her pouring our hearts out.
Had such a great time.
Shall not elaborate what we did 2gt!
Secret hor? :P
Ahaha.
Went home to shower and rest.
Spent the rest of the day on my bed with the laptop downloading games from arcadetown.com!
Dumb but totally awesome!
Okaaaaay, Shall end here now.
Bye dears. :)

And to think, All this pain used to be worth it..

This girl

2010-04-17T00:34:00.002+08:00

All we can do is keep breathing

Spent the day with my lovelies Alden, JunJie, MummyLeung, HuiYing & Ilina.

Was already mad happy upon finally seeing them after what seems like a year! :)
So... Got up @ like 9 rushed to get ready and left the house to go CGC to meet my psychiatrist..
Sigh*, What can I say?
Same old thing, Same old sting..
Homed @ like 143o.
Got ready, After damn long met MummyLeung under our blk and bused to WS 2gt.
Met HY there, Waited for Alden and took the MRT.
JJ got onto the train @ Simei, Listened to music all the way to Bugis.
Reached, Followed the guys and walked to Iluma. :)
The guys went to the arcade and Twin and I were saying how cute this furry minnie soft toy was and they got it for us with so much money spent.
Melted my heart instantly, xx
After so much time spent at the arcade walked about for abit and the guys went to look at shoes.
After that the rest got hungry so we were deciding where to go to eat.
Walked around aimlessly for awhile and finally settled to walk to suntec.
Reached after awhile, And walked round and round looking for a place to settle.
So much was going on in my head.
Finally settled on KFC.
Shared a drink with Twin and the rest ate.
Sat there for the longest time ever :)
Walked through suntec for awhile b4 making our way back to the MRT station and stood through half the journey back to PR holding on to JJ @_@
Maaaad crowded.
Reached PR, Met up with Bella and then bused back to our blk after awhile.
Sat @ the void deck b4 heading up.
Homed @ 233o.
Really tired.
2 pills does the trick! :)
Goodnight readers!
Sleep well.

Smile and walk away,
You know you've got the whole world fooled

Confusing

2010-04-15T22:37:00.002+08:00

Lost in a world this cold..

Mummy just reminded me about seeing the psychiatrist @ CGC tomorrow.
Suddenly I'm afraid.
I don't want to hear them say something's wrong with me.
Sigh..
Tomorrow's supposed to be a happy day out with the family.
Lets see where this takes me this time.

That's how depression hits-
You wake up one morning afraid you're going to live..

Just tell me it's all going to be okay..

Wishing

2010-04-15T19:11:00.003+08:00

I ♥ PRISCILLA HENG YU QI THE MOST!!!!! xxxx

Touched not my love? :):):)!!!